Browsing Tag

Healing

Just Say Yes

Working on business stuff at my desk looking out at this cool, rainy Georgia afternoon makes me want to teleport back to the beautiful and wild Pacific coast of Mexico.

Though my life may look like one giant Soul Nourish Retreats trip, I actually spend much of my life working quietly at home. I’m pretty sure you don’t want to see those uneventful images all the time though.

While I’m pretty much always most at home, well…at home, at one point in my life I was even more of a homebody. I was constantly seeking stability and structure. I said “no” as a natural response to anything that threatened my predictable life. I said no to parties, dinner dates, concerts, fill in the ________, you name it, I usually said no. Those choices allowed me to feel safe when so much of my life was swirling and unpredictable.

When my world imploded during my divorce I let go ( begrudgingly after life came knocking, then knocking me on my ass). I let go of the structure and stability I had cultivated through much of my adult life. During those challenging times I swung quickly into a life that was completely unstable and unpredictable, it was rather terrifying for someone who craved warmth and safety. Through this shift I realized I missed out on so much of life because I was afraid. Once I had that awareness no longer could I shield myself from the possibilities of life. I forced myself to try saying “yes” even when I was scared. In saying yes to life my whole world changed. I owe the life I have now to that great ( terrible/beautiful) shift. Through this I experienced a taste of liberation that I had never really known. And yes I am still scared to say yes sometimes yet I know that the unknown is where great growth happens.

Much of my life now consists of riding the waves of all these energies. I try my best to explore what balance looks like in each moment, the known and the unknown. I’ve learned to relish the mundane and to appreciate those moments of steadiness for the grounding that it provides. I’ve learned to embrace the wildness and unpredictable nature of life ( well, mostly). For sure, I know one thing I’m enjoying this ride.

Ahimsa

Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, I was incredibly hard on myself and those around me. And while I am far from perfect I keep choosing {over and over} to come back to kindness, for myself and others.

Non-violence, ahimsa, is at the center of yogic ideals. When we think of non-violence we often think of violence in our external environment. We may picture the extremes of hurting or injuring something outside of us, however the foundations of ahimsa always start within and how we treat ourselves.

Our ability to be non-violent with others is in direct relationship to how kindly and compasionately we approach ourselves and our own struggles in life. Through this compassionate process we are invited to examine ourselves deeply. When we hold this mirror up it’s easy to judge and criticize our actions from the past, it’s easy to punish, blame and beat ourselves up. Instead of deepening these patterns we can choose a new way of being.

When we choose to reflect and observe ourselves and our actions with tenderness and kindness we are making peace with ourselves, stepping towards a relationship of wholeness instead of deepening separation. This is not easy work. It takes constant examination, reflection and the choice to try on a new way of being, it’s a practice.

Photo by Kelly T Marie & Dirty South Yoga Fest

Going Within

As the world turns and the seasons change nature is showing us how to let go. Autumn leaves start to turn colors, preparing for the cyclical process of shedding that which we no longer need. The colors of the dying leaves enrich us with their brilliant display of beauty before being released back to the earth. The catalyst for this grand display of change is the journey towards darkness. As we head towards the end of our year we turn further away from the sun, the days get shorter and the nights grow longer, symbolically we are moving into the season of darkness. During this time we are reminded to take our own journey within, exploring and bravely traversing all that lies below the surface.

The myth of the ancient Sumerian Goddess Inanna holds the power of the cycles of death and rebirth. This is the heroine’s journey into the descent of darkness, the underworld. We may only enter this place in humility. Here everything we identify with is challenged, uprooted and stripped away. Our identity is obliterated and all false masks and pretenses are annihilated upon entering.

Inanna and Ereshkigal are the two faces of the wholeness, the sister halves of our own self. Together these goddess sisters are light and dark, heavenly and horrible, enticing and repulsive, acceptance and rejection. They are symbolically poised at the gateway of love and the unloved as we undergo the initiatory stages of our descent into ourselves.

Upon the death of her husband Ereshkigal, the ruling goddess of the underworld, calls her sister Inanna to join her below the surface of the earth to attend the funeral. Though Inanna is the Queen of Heaven the rules of the underworld and The Queen of Death, must be obeyed. Inanna mindfully and vulnerably enters the underworld. She enters humbly on her knees, exposed, naked, and stripped of all her clothing and adornments, stripped of all her worldly possessions and everything that she has identified with. When she reaches her sister Inanna is met with the “eye of death”, this look from Ereshkigal instantly annihilates her. Her corpse is hung on meat hooks and left to rot in the underworld.

From our friend Chani Nicholas…”The only beings that come to her aid are two magical helpers who appease Ereshkigal by witnessing her pain, acknowledging it and mirroring her struggle back to her. These beings echo Ereshkigal’s cries and wails. For the first time Ereshkigal is relieved of her pain because she is related to. Accepted. Given some compassion for her struggle. In return for this kindness she gifts them Inanna’s body and the goddess is reborn. Ascending to the Great Above, Inanna is renewed, but is never the same. Now fully awakened by coming into contact with the pain of her other half, Innana is, for the first time, a Queen truly worthy of her crown.

Ereshkigal is the deep reservoirs of power that lay within the unconscious. We cannot come into contact with our full potential until we are willing to descend into our underworlds, reckoning with the truth of what has happened to us. The struggle of marrying the unconscious and the conscious, the Queen of the Great Above, and the Queen of the Great Below, is a process of transformation so intense and painful we can only do it in the underworld. We need deep caverns, incubators, and safe places to grieve and reunite with ourselves.”

In the darkness is where all life begins. It’s where seeds sprout, it’s the fertile grounds in which to truly explore and nourish ourselves. It’s the place of death, transformation and beautifully enough, of all rebirth and growth. It’s the place where all healing and integration to wholeness takes place. When we turn within to forage through our past experiences and identities, humbly stripping ourselves bare, we find endless opportunity for release and unification. Creating time to be quiet with ourselves, to sit, to breathe, to examine, invites endless opportunity to bring all these aspects of ourselves together. Here we can move closed to the acceptance of wholeness and release that which no longer serves us.

Try This:
Find a comfortable place to sit, or lay down to find comfort. Close your eyes and breathe. Tune in to your body, sense the places where your body is rooted to the earth. Keep breathing mindfully. Now imagine all the places where your body meets the earth. Imagine that through your skin roots start to sprout. Each breath in and each breath out nurtures these roots to grow deeper and deeper, spreading out just below the surface of the earth and eventually finding their way deeper down. Imagine as you breathe in you pull energy up from the earth and as you breathe out you are releasing old stories, old pain, and old trauma. Continue this process until you feel a sense of deep ease, release and relaxation. When you are ready to come back let your roots be released. Take a moment to honor all aspects of yourself, those that are light and dark, accepted and rejected, loved and unloved.

Interested to learn more about these healing practices? Our Ritual, Healing & Sacred Waters Yoga & Self Discovery Beach Retreat in Tulum, Mexico is coming up March 30-April 3, 2019. Together we will explore healing power of Pachamama (Mother Earth) with ritual, movement, mediations, soul work and so much more. Learn more here.

Photo by Thu Tran of 2TPHOTO

Letting Go

“Our journey is one of movement and continual change. Each threshold different, each letting go with its own character-every set of experiences bearing their own teachings. If transformation were as simple as weeding through your accumulated possessions, it would not be daunting. But meeting life is daunting. It is the letting go, not of books and outgrown clothing, but of a conditioned way of being that has grown immeasurably comfortable. At this threshold you ask yourself, do I really want this? Am I finally ready not to waste anymore time?”
Paula D’Arcy, Stars at Night

Yoga was my formal introduction into understanding myself better, little did I know at the time it would be the thing that saved my life.

For years and years I was showing up on my mat. Day after day I was stretching and exercising myself into a sweaty heap of emotional and physical exhaustion. In my head I thought I was a “good yogi”, I was getting stronger and becoming more flexible. I was able to make all the shapes in class but I had no idea that I was not really practicing true yoga. I would judge my own practice, getting upset if I lost my balance or needed to take a break. I would compare myself to those around me celebrating if I was “the best” in the class, feeling bad if I wasn’t. I would show up 25 minutes early to claim my spot in the room and get irritated if someone was in my spot. I was hard on myself and hard on those around me, both on and off the mat. On the outside I thought I looked like what a good yogi should look like, on the inside I was deeply struggling.

One day, when my life was falling in pieces all around me, I realized that none of the stories, criticism or judgements I was harboring was serving me, none of it was helpful. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to be liberated from reacting to the world around me. I wanted to be free from all those things that were weighing me down. At that moment I wondered what would happen if I chose a new way of being? It was at that moment that I consciously decided to make a choice to let it all go.

I wish I could say it was easy to let go of those parts that were weighing me down. I wish I could say that once you make the choice to let go then you magically achieve some sort of enlightened state. For me the choice to let go was the first step toward happiness, I immediately began to see some changes but I still had a long journey ahead of me. It took time to reprogram my habits and patterns, it took time to explore new ways of responding to the world around me without falling back into patterns. And as I grow and change I am challenged in new ways, I take on new habits and patterns (some healthy and some not-so-much). I have new challenges that I must navigate in my personal life, in business and in all my relationships. To stay on the path of growth I must be compassionately aware of my tendencies and my messy and imperfect humanness, and at the same time I must keep a keen eye and steady focus on my inner world (and not be afraid of asking myself tough questions and calling myself out on my bullshit and stories). This is my sadhana, my most meaningful daily practice.

Photo on retreat by 2TPhoto

Running Towards Your Dreams

Take a moment with me here.

Close your eyes, take a deep breath and ask yourself the following question.

Are you running towards what you want in life?

This can be a tough question. I know I spent many, many, many years afraid of going after what I wanted. Looking back I see I was afraid of failure, I was afraid of rejection, and to be frank I was secretly afraid of success too. I was afraid, very afraid. One day I realized that I was the only one that could change my life, I was the only one who could reach for my dreams. No one can do that for me.

How liberating and truly terrifying that realization was.

When was the last time you got quiet enough to ask yourself what does your heart want? When was the last time you listened to that quiet (or not so quiet) heart song? When was the last time you ran toward what you wanted with arms open wide, heart pounding with excitement and possibility? When was the last time you said YES to your dreams?

Join me and my Soul Sister from another mister, Shari L Fox, on July 21 at the Dirty South Yoga Fest to explore how to live your life to the fullest.

Magic

“And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.” – Roald Dahl

Magic. This is the word I often use to describe the feeling of being on a Soul Nourish retreat. But really it’s not magic at all, it’s what happens when we show up with pure presence. When we soften our edges and relax into our body the world becomes a bit more magical. Our mind starts to clear and our hearts become tenderized. Magic happens when we are seen and loved for exactly who we are.

This isn’t just a space we create on retreat, with practice this is a space we learn to access over and over. We create this space with permission. The permission to relax. The permission to open your heart enough to let someone else (or many someones) in. The permission to dive deep into what yoga truly means. The permission to explore moving your beautiful body in a compassionate and powerful way. The permission to speak your truth. The permission to share your dorky (or badass) dance moves. The permission to look deeply at what holds you back in life (and CHANGE it). The permission to safely explore your patterns and try on new ways of being. The permission to sing off key. The permission to lose your balance (or even lose your shit – thanks for that one Michelle Teel) and to be loved BECAUSE of it not in spite of it.

Are you ready for magic? I am. Head here to see where we are going next.

Photo on our El Salvador Retreat by 2TPHOTO

1 Year Ago Today

I’ve been in hiding, so it’s only appropriate that this interview with Voyage ATL come out now (thanks Universe).

Yes, I have been full with the studio move, retreats and my already full everyday life but I have also been hiding. To give 100% disclosure I have been struggling for a while.

On a personal level my heart is heavy, I am going through a breakup that has been complicated and emotionally draining. I have been spending a great deal of time watching my shadow, shifting, subtly moving and studying what my next move should be.

Our brand new studio has my physical body. I have given this move so much dreaming, planning, energy and attention. We will be opening for classes this Sunday and I am mostly terrified and anxious.

What if I am making the wrong move?
What if our students don’t show up?
What if…
What if..
What if…

FORM yoga was built out of my darkest days. My entire life had just fallen apart. Everything that I thought was real was revealed warped like a fun house mirror. I was starting over. I was alone and I was terrified.

This was how I was cracked open.

From tragedy beauty was born, as it often happens (or so I have learned). This community healed me and continues to do so on days (or weeks) like this when I struggle. Like the ouroboros, a symbol of creation through destruction, FORM built me right back. It was written in the stars.
Thank you.

1/16/17

Photo by 2TPHOTO on retreat in Maui 10/25/17

Meditation on Twin Hearts

Find a comfortable seat. Close and relax your eyes, breathing deeply. Take a moment to bring your hands to your heart and invoke Divine Blessings from the Supreme God, the Divine God and Goddess, Grandmothers, Grandfathers, All Guardians and Gate Keepers. The Angels and all spiritual teachers. Ask for the Divine light and love to move freely through you to bless all beings and to bless our precious Mother Earth.

Bring relaxation from the top of your head down through your entire body focusing for a moment on each body part. Inhale good health, exhale pain. Inhale happiness, exhale sadness. Inhale kindness, exhale anger. Inhale lightness, exhale darkness.

Bring to your mind the concept of harmlessness and compassion. Bring to mind anyone that you have caused pain to or towards with your actions, your speech, or your reactions. Ask forgiveness from all those who you have hurt or are still hurting. Resolve to practice kindness towards other people and your actions, your speech, or your reactions.

Now visualize yourself forgiving those that may have hurt you. Send blessings to them in their life. Visualize yourself being forgiven by those whom you may have hurt. Experience the feeling of being forgiven. Resolve on this day to forgive and be forgiven.

Bring your hands at your heart and bring all of your awareness to your heart energy center. Recall the most pleasant feeling you have ever experienced in your entire life. Explore joy, love, kindness or compassion. You may be able to recall this feeling through many different ways. Allow this energy to grow as you breathe.

We will now share this energy with the entire planet earth. Visualize in front of your chest a tiny planet earth. Imagine a rich pinkish or green light from your heart center going to the earth and enveloping it with love. From the heart center bless the earth with the divine peace. Bless all the people on earth with forgiveness. Bless all the people struggling on earth with a new hope for a better world. Bless the earth with light and great joy. Visualize all the people you will meet every day smiling and being filled with joy and love.

Bring your hands to your crown energy center at the top of your head. Invoke the desire to share your life and service, to be of help to those in need and to see us all connected on earth. Now visualize a brilliant white light from the top of your head going to the earth and enveloping it with divine love and kindness. Bless the earth with peace, abundance and harmony.

Stay here and the space as long as is comforting for you.

Photo taken on retreat by Thu Tran of 2TPHOTO

Bedtime Stories

Bedtime Stories

This weekend my ex-husband is getting married.

Damn him.

I tell myself “That’s mine!”. Not my ex-husband, but the life he has.

Commitment. Family. Marriage.

Those things I am really good at. Those things that I had for so long. Those things that I desire so fiercely and fully that in writing this sentence my heart aches.

It’s happened over and over these past 3 years since my divorce. I am lying in my big, empty bed lonely and exhausted from the day thinking, planning, dreaming. And then it happens. I feel that thick multi-colored blanket of fear, doubt, and uncertainty descending. Getting heavier and heavier upon my chest until I can barely breathe.

You will never be good enough, no one will love and commit to you.

You had a great life and you ruined it.

You expect too much from people. No one will ever satisfy you, don’t even try.

What makes you think you can be successful at owning a business?

Why do you think you have the authority to teach anything valuable to your yoga students?

You want too much in life, you should just be happy with what you have.

In my 36 years I have told myself many bedtime stories about what I am and what I am worthy of. And though I am a yoga teacher and I should know better, I still struggle with turning the page of these stories. The truth is I am afraid I’ll grow old and die alone. I am afraid that I don’t have all my shit together with owning and managing FORM {yoga}. I am afraid of being some fake-ass yoga teacher that only spews love and light. And the truth is I AM happy with what I have, I just want more.

“Your darkness is shining. My darkness is shining. Have faith in myself. Truth.” Alexander

I am learning the beauty of these struggles allow me to connect to my truth. These stories teach me that my darkness, my struggles make me beautiful. I am learning that unraveling all these thoughts and examining them will allow me to see them fully for what they are: beautiful bedtime stories.