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life

Balance

Ahhhh, balance.

I recall years ago one of my very first yoga teachers stating (adamantly) in class how our ability to balance on our mat is symbolic of how balanced we are in our life in general. When he said that I likely rolled my eyes so hard I lost my balance. I’m pretty sure this was proof enough that he was on to something, no?

Balance is a state of presence, it’s a relationship that we enter into in each moment. Balance is fleeting. It’s not something you find once and keep, it’s a perpetual dance of noticing and responding, noticing and responding, and noticing and responding ( and on and on).

On the mat and in the greater scheme of things, this comes from our ability to move from our center and to stay connected to this place as we transition and respond to all the moving parts around us, ie L I F E. You may notice in your practice that when we are standing on one leg or balancing on our hands that we must be actively engaged with each little movement or we will likely fall on our face.

Balance is a practice of wholeness, it’s one of noticing that when we enter into a relationship with life and all she has to offer we have opportunity to remember ( literally re-member or rejoin) all the disjointed or disowned parts of ourself. Connecting to our wholeness invites us to the divine flow of life.

And while balance may be a fleeting force, our ability to keep showing up and exploring is not, it’s a practice. This is yoga.

Ahimsa

Once upon a time, in a land not so far away, I was incredibly hard on myself and those around me. And while I am far from perfect I keep choosing {over and over} to come back to kindness, for myself and others.

Non-violence, ahimsa, is at the center of yogic ideals. When we think of non-violence we often think of violence in our external environment. We may picture the extremes of hurting or injuring something outside of us, however the foundations of ahimsa always start within and how we treat ourselves.

Our ability to be non-violent with others is in direct relationship to how kindly and compasionately we approach ourselves and our own struggles in life. Through this compassionate process we are invited to examine ourselves deeply. When we hold this mirror up it’s easy to judge and criticize our actions from the past, it’s easy to punish, blame and beat ourselves up. Instead of deepening these patterns we can choose a new way of being.

When we choose to reflect and observe ourselves and our actions with tenderness and kindness we are making peace with ourselves, stepping towards a relationship of wholeness instead of deepening separation. This is not easy work. It takes constant examination, reflection and the choice to try on a new way of being, it’s a practice.

Photo by Kelly T Marie & Dirty South Yoga Fest

1 Year Ago Today

I’ve been in hiding, so it’s only appropriate that this interview with Voyage ATL come out now (thanks Universe).

Yes, I have been full with the studio move, retreats and my already full everyday life but I have also been hiding. To give 100% disclosure I have been struggling for a while.

On a personal level my heart is heavy, I am going through a breakup that has been complicated and emotionally draining. I have been spending a great deal of time watching my shadow, shifting, subtly moving and studying what my next move should be.

Our brand new studio has my physical body. I have given this move so much dreaming, planning, energy and attention. We will be opening for classes this Sunday and I am mostly terrified and anxious.

What if I am making the wrong move?
What if our students don’t show up?
What if…
What if..
What if…

FORM yoga was built out of my darkest days. My entire life had just fallen apart. Everything that I thought was real was revealed warped like a fun house mirror. I was starting over. I was alone and I was terrified.

This was how I was cracked open.

From tragedy beauty was born, as it often happens (or so I have learned). This community healed me and continues to do so on days (or weeks) like this when I struggle. Like the ouroboros, a symbol of creation through destruction, FORM built me right back. It was written in the stars.
Thank you.

1/16/17

Photo by 2TPHOTO on retreat in Maui 10/25/17

Meditation on Twin Hearts

Find a comfortable seat. Close and relax your eyes, breathing deeply. Take a moment to bring your hands to your heart and invoke Divine Blessings from the Supreme God, the Divine God and Goddess, Grandmothers, Grandfathers, All Guardians and Gate Keepers. The Angels and all spiritual teachers. Ask for the Divine light and love to move freely through you to bless all beings and to bless our precious Mother Earth.

Bring relaxation from the top of your head down through your entire body focusing for a moment on each body part. Inhale good health, exhale pain. Inhale happiness, exhale sadness. Inhale kindness, exhale anger. Inhale lightness, exhale darkness.

Bring to your mind the concept of harmlessness and compassion. Bring to mind anyone that you have caused pain to or towards with your actions, your speech, or your reactions. Ask forgiveness from all those who you have hurt or are still hurting. Resolve to practice kindness towards other people and your actions, your speech, or your reactions.

Now visualize yourself forgiving those that may have hurt you. Send blessings to them in their life. Visualize yourself being forgiven by those whom you may have hurt. Experience the feeling of being forgiven. Resolve on this day to forgive and be forgiven.

Bring your hands at your heart and bring all of your awareness to your heart energy center. Recall the most pleasant feeling you have ever experienced in your entire life. Explore joy, love, kindness or compassion. You may be able to recall this feeling through many different ways. Allow this energy to grow as you breathe.

We will now share this energy with the entire planet earth. Visualize in front of your chest a tiny planet earth. Imagine a rich pinkish or green light from your heart center going to the earth and enveloping it with love. From the heart center bless the earth with the divine peace. Bless all the people on earth with forgiveness. Bless all the people struggling on earth with a new hope for a better world. Bless the earth with light and great joy. Visualize all the people you will meet every day smiling and being filled with joy and love.

Bring your hands to your crown energy center at the top of your head. Invoke the desire to share your life and service, to be of help to those in need and to see us all connected on earth. Now visualize a brilliant white light from the top of your head going to the earth and enveloping it with divine love and kindness. Bless the earth with peace, abundance and harmony.

Stay here and the space as long as is comforting for you.

Photo taken on retreat by Thu Tran of 2TPHOTO

Photo by Ross Knight

You Get To Choose

How often do you stop and take a moment to witness the extraordinary beauty around you?
How often do you dull yourself to not make others feel bad?
How often do you just close your eyes and take a big, bold, beautiful breath?
How often do you play?
How often do you question what you think of as truth?
How often do you listen to that feeling in your gut, in your heart, or in your throat?
What if the answer was everyday?
YOU get to chose.

Made Up

When I was younger I was in a relationship for a while where I was shamed for looking nice, wearing make-up, jewelry or a flattering clothes for my body. I was accused of drawing attention to myself or being untrustworthy because I desired to put some effort into my appearance. With my adult eyes I now see that these actions were harmful and damaging and not at all about me. As an adolescent I felt guilty for making an effort on my appearance.

Was I doing something wrong?

Was it bad to want to look pretty?

Was I purposefully drawing attention to myself?

To this day I still struggle to get dressed up, to apply makeup (sadly, I don’t really know how to put it on) and wear jewelry.

A part of me still worries that I will draw too much attention to myself. It still feels “wrong” and I still feel doubt and insecurity when I do. Each day my yoga practice helps me to release these deeply held beliefs. I learn that I am worthy of loving myself.

Thank you Drea James Designs for these beautiful earrings, today I will wear these earrings with confidence and strength (and maybe even a little make-up).

Keep Out

I don’t recall much happiness in my childhood and I don’t recall much sadness either. I recall some fun times with friends, but my home life not so much. I hear great stories of happy times from my siblings, but those times aren’t mine.

As I approached adolescence the looming divorce of my parents lead to the destruction of the life I once knew. As the youngest of four siblings and only child left at home at the time, I struggled with this change alone. As my parents and siblings struggled to put their own lives back together, abandonment, poverty and neglect slowly started to chip away at my pillars of childhood. As the dust settled the landscape of my life was quite desolate.

In turn I withdrew into my young self. To ensure my own survival I replaced those crumbled pillars with huge solid, sturdy walls. Finally I was safe again, no one or nothing could penetrate these walls. From the outside these walls looked stable and secure, standing guard to keep out anything painful from hurting me ever again. ?What took me 20 something years to figure out is that the walls I built created a house that was dark, dreary and lonely. As?Brené Brown would say, “Numb the dark and you numb the light.” From the dim light inside of the house you could barely make out the slew of claw marks and graffiti from a trapped young girl who wanted out.

It was the shroud of grief during my own divorce in 2012 that began to crack the once impenetrable fortress. Over the past few years those cracks had become larger, and not too long ago the whole house crumbled into a heap (Only when the walls came down did I see that the little girl I had hidden away for safekeeping 20 something years prior was still there.) The years of numbing myself from pain, failure, judgement and sadness had given way to exposing myself to being vulnerable once more. The funny thing was until I tore down the walls I really had no idea I was stuck.

In these past few years I’ve spent time examining and sorting through the debris. And through the destruction I’m learning how to build my own pillars, sturdy, strong and secure. I’m learning to lovingly embrace my darkness and my past and I’m learning to sort them both from my stories. Through my yoga practice I have learned just to show up each day and do my work to be the best version of myself. Some days I can show up with my game strong and other days it’s a real struggle to be seen. What I have certainly learned is this too shall pass. Nothing stays the same, all is evolving (and all is there for examination and interpretation). Most importantly my practice teaches me that only I can radically transform my life, and I can do so by examining and embracing my own darkness. And I can do so only by being open to learning.

So today I’m learning to set boundaries, with myself and with others so that I can create more of what I want in my life (and release that which I don’t want). I’m learning that self love is the indestructible material of which my pillars must be built (I’ve heard there is a hidden quarry of it somewhere nearby…). I’m learning that in order to grow I must be pushed through myself into a larger, more loving and complex version of myself over and over. And each time I am pushed through myself I’m learning that it’s not at all about me and my stories, but it’s all about loving with all I’ve got.

 

 

One Simple Rule

One Simple Rule

  1. Bury the idea of perfection. It doesn’t exist.
  2. Be kind, especially to yourself ( see rule number 1).
  3. Don’t get caught up in what others think of you ( see rule number 1).
  4. Eat that second (or third) slice of pizza, and enjoy it. ( see rule number 1).
  5. When you mess up always say you are sorry, and mean it ( see rule number 1).
  6. Laugh at yourself, a lot ( see rule number 1).
I Am Woman

I Am Woman and I am Imperfect

For months I knew I had a photo shoot scheduled with Robert Sturman ~ Artist/Photografía and as a single mother, small business owner, yoga teacher life was full. The months and weeks leading up to the shoot I was tired, overworked and I rarely had the time or desire to unroll my mat. When I had down time the last thing I needed was MORE effort, and striving. I just needed to CHILL. As the date of the shoot drew closer I knew I had a choice to make. I could starve myself of sustenance or I could show up imperfect, soft and accepting.

I am woman and I am imperfect.

I am learning that my appearance doesn’t define my worth. I sometimes carry extra pounds draped upon my yoga body like a second skin. Sometimes I embrace that weighty suit, an old friend with a lingering hug to keep me humbled. Sometimes I don’t.

I am learning to show up in my skin, with stretch marks like a trusty map of a long life lived. The faded patterns of love and miracle traverse across my once taut and trim belly.

Robert Sturman photographyI am learning to show up in life and be courageous. Mostly I want to climb in bed and pull the covers over my head, a frightened child still as a mouse, barely breathing for fear that I’ll be seen. Be still, don’t make a move and you can’t fail.

I am learning that failures and imperfections are inevitable when you are truly living. Stumbles and missteps disguised as an invitation to help you up, dust you off and send you back into the arena to keep fighting. (Perfection is the heavy shroud to keep people from truly seeing you there under the covers, still as a mouse).

I am learning to embrace my vulnerability. Living with an open heart is exhilarating, beautiful and joyful, yet it is also guaranteed to be painful and at times heart wrenching.

I am learning that being the best version of myself has nothing to do with perfecting a pose or even unrolling my mat. Instead it has to do with giving myself permission to fuck up, to fall down and to still show up day after day with my head held high.

When I boldly show up with my imperfections I allow you to do the same. Together, hand in hand we thrive; imperfect, messy and beautiful.

Bedtime Stories

Bedtime Stories

This weekend my ex-husband is getting married.

Damn him.

I tell myself “That’s mine!”. Not my ex-husband, but the life he has.

Commitment. Family. Marriage.

Those things I am really good at. Those things that I had for so long. Those things that I desire so fiercely and fully that in writing this sentence my heart aches.

It’s happened over and over these past 3 years since my divorce. I am lying in my big, empty bed lonely and exhausted from the day thinking, planning, dreaming. And then it happens. I feel that thick multi-colored blanket of fear, doubt, and uncertainty descending. Getting heavier and heavier upon my chest until I can barely breathe.

You will never be good enough, no one will love and commit to you.

You had a great life and you ruined it.

You expect too much from people. No one will ever satisfy you, don’t even try.

What makes you think you can be successful at owning a business?

Why do you think you have the authority to teach anything valuable to your yoga students?

You want too much in life, you should just be happy with what you have.

In my 36 years I have told myself many bedtime stories about what I am and what I am worthy of. And though I am a yoga teacher and I should know better, I still struggle with turning the page of these stories. The truth is I am afraid I’ll grow old and die alone. I am afraid that I don’t have all my shit together with owning and managing FORM {yoga}. I am afraid of being some fake-ass yoga teacher that only spews love and light. And the truth is I AM happy with what I have, I just want more.

“Your darkness is shining. My darkness is shining. Have faith in myself. Truth.” Alexander

I am learning the beauty of these struggles allow me to connect to my truth. These stories teach me that my darkness, my struggles make me beautiful. I am learning that unraveling all these thoughts and examining them will allow me to see them fully for what they are: beautiful bedtime stories.